The Gate Called Beautiful

For someone who is absolutely obsessed with Clorox, and the destruction of all potentially disease-causing dirt, I have a strong distaste for lifestyle sterility. Included in that, I quite dislike sterile writing.

Without further ado,

we live life outside the Gate called Beautiful. Millions of us stand there in the shadow of the turrets, begging for help. A few less millions of us stand there giving help. I think I'm somewhere in between.

I want to jump to the end of the story where we all go walking and leaping through the Gate, praising God, the Lord of heaven and earth. The part where we look on at what God has done and are filled with wonder and amazement.

But for now I stand in the shadow of the turrets, intensely aware of my limitations. Such obvious limitations include a lack of abilities, money, creativity, power. More than that—and very humbling to admit—is the lack of desire. Truly, I could have all those things if I desired them. I'm an American. Opportunity abounds. But when it comes right down to it, when we are grappling and you've got me pinned or in a joint lock, I'll tap out like I did when I was 11, martial arts-ing with all them boys. Because I don't have the desire.

I lack the desire to turn myself into a problem-solving, fighting machine.

The Mattea who was going to save the world is dead, buried next to Taylor Swift. Actually, she died in 2014, I just keep looking to her ghost for answers because this true Mattea that is coming to life is perhaps not really who I want to be. Because she's not impressive—like, at all.

But she—a petal blown about in the wind, easily, easily crushed—is me. And as anyone with any sense of direction will tell you, you really should be you. Life Lesson #3 in the Book of Basic Life Lessons.

So, in the sing-song words of Kathy Seldon, "Here we are, Sunset and Camden." Street corner reached, get out of the car and go live the consequences of who you are.

And who I am is down on crippled knees in a mud puddle outside the Gate called Beautiful. And all I do is grab the hands of the person who is in my reach and say, "I need help too, I'm really not the person to help you, but here, I will hold your hands until help comes."

Hold hands.

That's really all I desire to do.