Caution: Two Weeks Worth of Emotions Dumped Below

Sometime this semester Marayah started calling the basement where I do my school "the Pit of Despair." Since then, I've been finding other parallels between my life and The Princess Bride. All having to do with the Pit of Despair, though, and nothing to do with falling in love and living happily ever after. So, picture with me for a moment. It is the scene where Wesley has just been tortured by the death sucker, and 6-fingered man asks him a question, to the effect of something like: "Now Wesley, since this is the first time we have used this machine, I would like to take down, for the record, some notes. Tell me, how exactly do you feel? Be honest." And what does Wesley do? He sobs. 6-fingered man says, "Very interesting."

Now let's back up for a moment, to the part where Wesley sobs. Because, if anyone had asked me these past couple of weeks "Mattea, how are you? Be honest." I would have done the same thing Wesley did. People have asked me how I am doing this week, but since they failed to tack on the "be honest" I didn't sob. I smiled and said, "Oh you know, I'm doing good. School is difficult but it is going well. How are you?"

In all truth, school IS going well. I'm getting things done before deadlines. I am content with my test and essay scores. The instructors are helpful. However, the only reason it is going well is because of the time I have to put in. My week looks something like this:

Monday-Wenesday: 8 am - 8 or 9 pm (with a total of one hour for eating and bathroom breaks)
Thursday: 8am - 5 pm
Friday: 8am - 2 pm
Saturday: 3 hours of school at some point
Sunday: I try to keep it down to an hour of studying. But sometimes I'll put in another 3.

Granted, the weekend work is "getting ahead"--it isn't mandatory (well, it is for the next week, so instead of going crazy next week I might as well suck it up and do some over the weekend).

I also figured out just why it is taking me this much time, even though I am presently taking 9 credits. Since the classes are 8 weeks in duration, it means you are doing a whole college class in half the time. Which means 1 class = 2 classes in a normal semester. So, technically, I am doing 18 credits of work. Which isn't fair--because I am only taking 15 credits this semester! After spring break, I'll be back down to 2 classes which means it will be like I am taking 12 credits. So there is no "easy" way to take 15 credits in 1 semester. You might as well be taking 18. Except that it will be nice the last half of this semester to have a little less workload (I'm not counting on anything though--for all I know those classes will be terribly hard).

Okay. Enough of the Mattea pity party. I'll get through it. 3 weeks down, 5 to go. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

With all this work though, it has definitely been getting my priorities straight. I've been battling a lot with thoughts of a successful career, worldly acclaim, financial security. Because if I wanted to, I'm pretty sure I could have all those things. I could go to med school. I could become a doctor. I could maybe save all the orphans from an epidemic in Africa by inoculating them and treating them and then get on CNN Heros.

But is that the point? All the years of schooling to get there. All the money to get there, even though I could pay it off. All the years that I would be neglecting my family and friends and yes, God, to get there. Because school eats you. A career eats you once you have it. And if you are doing school, if you are going to become a doctor, that has to be your #1 priority. And I'm not sure I want that to be my #1 priority. Yes, there are people who can maintain relationships and "have a life" while in college. But I'm not one of those. If I go after something, I have to throw my whole self into it. Yes, if I was a doctor there would be opportunities to get into missions, and care for people. But there are many other ways of ministering to people. And you can't always share your faith in a hospital. And, as working at PT showed me, sometimes, what people really need, isn't physical help. Ultimately they need God. And they need a human to relate to them, and love them.  And you don't need college to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not slamming college. College is great, and a lot of people need it to do a lot of things. And I am definitely sticking it out and at least getting my AA degree. But...

I guess what I am doing is justifying my choices, or something like that. Trying to convince myself that I really don't want to be a doctor or nurse like I did growing up...because I want to be one for pretty much all the wrong reasons. Except that I could help people. But, like I said, there are other ways to help. I need to deny our feminist culture, who says that it is your American duty to be something, and be something great. Being a mother, being a wife, helping people for no pay, being a broke writer just for the sake of doing it because it is what I love, is all looked down on by our culture.

The culture that I want to accept me.

Do I really want them to accept me? When it comes right down to it, no. But there is a part of me that wants "their" approval. It's a small part, but big enough to get in the way. To make me doubt myself, and not do what I love. Which is being me. Being a sister. Being a friend and daughter. Being a servant of God. Being an aspiring writer who isn't quite sure what to write about, but just likes to write. Being an encourager. A smiler. Learning new things for the sake of learning them, and not for the degree I'll get by learning them.

Is there anything wrong with all that? If those are the desires God has placed in my heart, doesn't that make them good? Does it matter that they won't bring fame and fortune and acceptance? Does it matter that they won't make me President of the US, head doctor of a hospital, CEO of an organization that has saved lives, a gold medal Olympian, or a movie star? No. It doesn't matter. Because God works in mysterious ways, and He can use anyone--it could be that He could use a waitress to change more lives than a doctor...soul-wise, you know? The part of your body that really matters, and isn't connected to your physical self? And besides, sometimes, it's best just to be still, and know that He is God. And let the world, and all of its passions, fade away.